doc ´ Attached Hardcover Read


mobi Attached

doc ´ Attached Hardcover Read Î Is there a science to love In this groundbreaking book psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S F Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory the most advanced relationship science in existence today can help us find and sustain love Attachment theory forms the basis for many bTheir partner's ability to love them back AVOIDANT people euate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate or potential mates follow It also offers readers a wealth of advice on how to navigate their relationships wisely given their attachment style and that of their partner An insightful look at the science behind love Attached offers readers a road map for building stronger fulfilling connectio I was not a fan of this book It has some good basic information about attachment styles but it could have been communicated in about 20 pages The rest of the book takes the form of advice on how to have fulfilling relationships and it is saturated with the mononormative bias of the author The traditional lifelong monogamous pair bond throughout the entire book is held up as the shining pinnacle of relationships and is assumed to be everyone's goal Any desire for autonomy is evidence of an avoidant attachment style and should be resisted Ditto for any outside sexual interest which is experienced by almost everyone Codependence is encouraged as the mark of a secure attachmentThere is also a clear favoritism toward a secure attachment style which is to be expected as it is generally viewed as the healthiest style and evidence supports this view But there is also a favoritism toward anxious attachment style over avoidant Partners of people with anxious attachment style are encouraged just to accommodate their partner's clinginess constant need for reassurance possessiveness and jealousy while partners of people with avoidant attachment style are encouraged to leave the relationship or else accept that they will never be completely happy There is very little advice given on how to make an avoidant partner feel safe experiencing intimacy Most advice regarding avoidant style is on how to change itI was also unhappy with the presentation of each attachment style being uniue to a person instead of uniue to a relationship That is not my experience of attachment styles With some partners I have a secure attachment style With others I can be anxious or avoidant It's not because any one of these is my innate attachment style It is because I am reacting to my partner's feelings and behavior I have noticed this with other people also My experience is that people do not have a discrete attachment style that gets implemented with every partner My experience is that each relationship has a certain dynamic where each partner plays out one of the attachment styles but that the exact same person can have a different attachment style in a different relationship

AttachedTheir partner's ability to love them back AVOIDANT people euate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate or potential mates follow It also offers readers a wealth of advice on how to navigate their relationships wisely given their attachment style and that of their partner An insightful look at the science behind love Attached offers readers a road map for building stronger fulfilling connectio I was not a fan of this book It has some good basic information about attachment styles but it could have been communicated in about 20 pages The rest of the book takes the form of advice on how to have fulfilling relationships and it is saturated with the mononormative bias of the author The traditional lifelong monogamous pair bond throughout the entire book is held up as the shining pinnacle of relationships and is assumed to be everyone's goal Any desire for autonomy is evidence of an avoidant attachment style and should be resisted Ditto for any outside sexual interest which is experienced by almost everyone Codependence is encouraged as the mark of a secure attachmentThere is also a clear favoritism toward a secure attachment style which is to be expected as it is generally viewed as the healthiest style and evidence supports this view But there is also a favoritism toward anxious attachment style over avoidant Partners of people with anxious attachment style are encouraged just to accommodate their partner's clinginess constant need for reassurance possessiveness and jealousy while partners of people with avoidant attachment style are encouraged to leave the relationship or else accept that they will never be completely happy There is very little advice given on how to make an avoidant partner feel safe experiencing intimacy Most advice regarding avoidant style is on how to change itI was also unhappy with the presentation of each attachment style being uniue to a person instead of uniue to a relationship That is not my experience of attachment styles With some partners I have a secure attachment style With others I can be anxious or avoidant It's not because any one of these is my innate attachment style It is because I am reacting to my partner's feelings and behavior I have noticed this with other people also My experience is that people do not have a discrete attachment style that gets implemented with every partner My experience is that each relationship has a certain dynamic where each partner plays out one of the attachment styles but that the exact same person can have a different attachment style in a different relationship

kindle ↠ à Amir Levine

Attached Ü Is there a science to love In this groundbreaking book psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S F Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory the most advanced relationship science in existence today can help us find and sustain love Attachment theory forms the basis for many bestselling books on the parentchild relationship but there has yet to be an accessible guide to what this fascinating science has to tell us about adult romantic relationships until now Attachment theory owes its inception to British psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowl I'm convinced that all the 5 star reviews must be from anxiously attached people because this book offers nothing for anyone else lol I knew something was up when the chapter dedicated to explaining anxious attachment was twice as long as the chapter dedicated to avoidant attachment The glorification of anxious types only increased from there The whole book is really filtered through an anxious lensThe little bit I learned about the importance of having a secure base and deactivation techniues and protest behavior was overshadowed by the negative way they portrayed people like me Another reviewer mentioned subconscious bias and I have to agree The authors are very sympathetic towards anxious types who are portrayed as victims throughout the whole book while avoidant types are portrayed as cold selfish and abusive Secure types are put on a pedestal and declared naturally good at relationships All readers are encouraged to stay FAR away from avoidant types which as you can imagine made me feel great as someone with an avoidant attachment style who only bought this book to learn about avoidant attachment stylesIt's interesting how the authors' bias limits this book There are actually two avoidant types dismissive and fearful This book doesn't acknowledge either one They're simply lumped together and that's that Disorganized types anxious avoidant are mentioned like once and never revisited again If their intent was to introduce all the attachment styles to a mainstream audience and explain how it can foster or inhibit loving relationships they failed miserablyAll of the storiesillustrations of couples are anxiousavoidant and the anxious person is good and the avoidant person is bad When a secure person appears they are good too and the anxious person is just misunderstood or behaving poorly never a bad person I happen to be an avoidant type dating an avoidant type but the book swiftly dismissed and denied the existence of two avoidant people in a relationship We're even at one point viewed by the authors as a scourge on the dating scene making it harder for anxious people to find love It's almost as if they can't imagine anything beyond anxious good avoidant badA relationship with an avoidant type is seen by the authors as being inherently toxic because avoidants as they refer to them in the book multiple times funny how their isn't a similar pejorative for anxious types do not want intimacy This is not true but this book doesn't even see avoidant types as worthy of understanding so I wasn't shocked that they would oversimplify in this way There's actually A LOT of oversimplifying and generalizing that only serves anxious typesIn all the stories the anxious one is usually a woman and the avoidant one is usually a man even though they say attachment styles know no gender eye roll There was one gay couple I can remember the rest are all hetero No mention of race or class There's one particularly long story about an anxious woman who dates and marries an abusive man who is avoidant OF COURSE and it serves as one giant cautionary tale for why anxious types are sympathetic angels and why avoidants are toxic to the bone Again a clear bias from the authors and not nearly enough research to back up all the claims they makeMy conclusion is that Attached is one big contradictory mess Anxious types are told over and over that there is nothing wrong with them being co dependent because that's just their natural need for intimacy and no one should shame them for that HOWEVER the authors don't acknowledge or rather they don't believe that avoidant types emotional needs are just as valid or worthy of respect Secure types are just wonderful from the jump so there's no specific focus on them eitherThey make no effort to understand why avoidant types are the way they are There's little sympathy for what an avoidant type wants and needs in a relationship Avoidant types are actually encouraged to change where anxious types are told to don't settle for a partner that wants you to change THEN both types are told that a secure type will make them better and that they should actively search for that person who will help transform them into a secure type Cause it's your partner's job to make you secure It's ridiculousThe authors cannot fathom that most people don't fit into these neat little boxes Any relationship type that didn't align with the sparse amounts of research they referenced in this book was ignored or invalidated It's actually alarming that these two people who seem to only communicate effectively about anxious and secure partnerships decided to write a book about ALL the attachment styles for mainstream audiences Fail fail fail fail kindle ↠ à Amir Levine

Amir Levine à Attached reader

Amir Levine à Attached reader By who in the 1950s examined the tremendous impact that our early relationships with our parents or caregivers has on the people we become Also central to attachment theory is the discovery that our need to be in a close relationship with one or individuals is embedded in our genes In Attached Levine and Heller trace how these evolutionary influences continue to shape who we are in our relationships today According to attachment theory every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about The first and maybe only thing to understand about attachment theory is that attachment is simply a fancy word for love Plain and simple Once you understand that the rest of the theory makes perfect sense The next thing to know is that our patterns of bonding and repairing are conditioned ie learned beginning in relationship between caregivers and infants and continuing into adulthoodThe last thing to know is that our relational conditioning ie attachment style can be problematic but it can also change for the better over time particularly with intentional therapeutic work And understanding attachment theory can be an instrumental part of that process of therapeutic change So what exactly is attachment theoryI'm glad you askedAttachment theory began in the 1940's as a way to describe patterns of infant and caregiver bonding It is one of the first psychological theories to integrate evolutionary theory As such it represented a radical departure from the dominant psychological theories of the time eg Freudian and Behaviorist orientations Attachment Theory survived in part due to its simplicity and profound explanatory powerThe creators of attachment theory John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth posited that mammals particularly humans evolved the capacity to deeply emotionally connect with their young due to the relatively long period of infant dependence circa 50 years and counting if one were to use my case as an example Attachment theory asserted that if mammals particularly humans and their young fail to bond ie attach than the young are very likely to not survive and the parents would then have failed to pass on their genes Based on this assertion the theory predicts that a infants will feel distressed at separation from their primary care giver and b the infants will be motivated to reduce the distress by seeking proximity and emotional attunement upon reunion And this is of course the case with some interesting caveatsMary Ainsworth created an experimental paradigm known as The Strange Situation that systematically distressed infants and toddlers by briefly separating them from their care giver in order to observe their reunion behavior when the pair typically mother and child were eventually reunited Strange situation researchers have determined that attachment behavior strategies can be generally classified in four categories 1 Secure Attachment in which the infant easily reconnects with care giver 2 Anxious Attachment I which the infant is overly concerned or preoccupied with the task of getting the care givers attention 3 Avoidant Attachment in which the infant is unconcerned or dismissive of the task of getting the care givers attention and 4 Disorganized Attachment in which the infant displays fearful preoccupied and dismissive behaviors and lacks an organized attachment strategy NOTE The Disorganized style typically comes as a result of exposure to childhood trauma neglect and or abuse and therefore occurs infreuently around 2 5% except for in low SES communities with high violent crime or in war zones etc where it is observed at a much higher rateLater resurch found that surprise surprise people cary these attachment styles into their adult relationships sometimes resulting in relational problems depending on which attachment styles are paired The book particularly takes critical aim at couples in which an anxious pairs with an avoidant I actually didn't need a book to tell me how bad those are but it sure is nice to finally have some valid tools to deconstruct and ideally defuse toxic relationship patternsAdult attachment theory is really fun and useful to a point And then it's use value breaks down necessarily due to it's simplicity It's hard to imagine a 4 uadrant grid being able to entirely explain the rich complexity of human bondingMaps are out of necessity simplifications That's what makes them effective Attachment theory is a fantastic map to the rocky maze like terrane of human love and commitment but it's important not to relate to the map as if it were the territory it's self That being said Try to find your way around Los Angeles with out a map Maps are really really good thingsI personally like to use a lot of maps I like to supplement the attachment theory map with neuroscience especially psychnuroendocrinology Danieal Siegel does a good job of integrating the neuroscience with attachment theory for a broad popular audience I love Robert Sapolsky's work tooFor those new to adult attachment theory this is pretty crucial reading I'm unaware of any other popular treatment of the subject Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight covers some of the same ground but is much oriented towards explaining her particular take on couples therapy ie Emotion Focused Therapy EFT for couples This book is general and in my opinion much informative and helpful than Hold Me TightOne of the things I loved LOVED about this book is it doesn't assume it's necessarily worthwhile to salvage every relationship In fact the authors attempt to inoculate the reader from certain fundamentally flawed pairings Yes I love the commonsensical message that breaking it off or avoiding a bad one altogether may be the best move I also love that the book is brief Not overly brief just direct and to the point Lean and mean Unlike this epic review ;So anyway read it It's well done and chock full of useful life tools and insights Well worth the price tag